Let take a step back and journal this then.

We 'met' on amble tele bot and we started chatting. To be honest, after a whole stretch of no vibes/no engagement matches, finally I have to say this match is refreshing. We started our chat with answering the bot qn and things were up to a good start. When I saw the msg "Hey babe is everything ok? Yes. Ded" the red flag is very present but I ignore and continue the interaction. Guess I just wanted to be in the game and not any game the dating game, where heart strings are tug and pull and now looking back am thankful to this episode as it taught me more about myself, my boundaries and my wants.

The moment I discover he is a pilot, I have to say that was definitely a plus plus point and just that information gave me hopes and down the rabbit hole I go. I started fantasizing abt 'him' and building a future together etc. All the unrealistic hopes, wishes and expectation of my ideal relationship. This remains me of the bumble founder dating coach I met at a Jalan Kayu event where she mentioned she is a Scorpio and this behaviour is kind of atypical of this horoscope and she is also susceptible to this too but she learn along the way of her dating phrase and learn to manage it. As our interaction goes on, I will say things were well for maybe 3 days and then things went downhill.

This guy is on a around the world 10 days trip and I am on my usual routine. Our convo started from curiousity of each other to a direction of catching up on each other days and it came to a point where I feel I am always waiting for a reply. 

Looking back, the excitement and jitters from knowing someone new, discovering ones quirks to the anxiety from frazzle thoughts, overthinking, expecting and fantasizing where endorphins floods the system giving me the "good" boost to "kick start" my system in a good way actually. 

Hope. A magic word I learn from Louis. Hope, a desire of positive nature, helps us see beyond the problems to the possibilities.

The moment he asked for my photo, the convo took a turn. The very next day, his tele portfolio pic was deleted. I asked what happened and he say he didn't do anything. This is definitely another red flag. Adding on, I discover he had done his research and actually viewed my LinkedIn profile. 

Given my strong headed and always want to win character, I am not one to back down so I viewed his and even send him a connection invitation. A day or two later, he viewed my profile again but didn't accept my invitation. I knew then this connection wasn't meant to be. I did Google Image search on his portfolio picture, Found his insta but couldn't find his facebook. Our convo continue but the signs of disconnecttion are surfacing. The time difference, the surface chat, the avoidance, the non disclosure. I had my walls up since the portfolio "lie". It was prominent that ewe weren't a good fit but we both tried to keep the conversation going until he decided to pull the plug.

I have to say he gave me something to look forward. I maintain the convo going in the hope that it will last till he is back from his trip and hopes of it eventually leading to a meetup and maybe even something better. However it was obvious we were on the same page. Through our convo, I could sense he was trying to put in time and effort to the convo and I was just pushing and pushing. Simply put, he is up for an easy time while I am too serious and focus on the end goal. 

Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps it is just the wrong time/season

 There is so much possiblity but it is what it is at this moment, we aren't meant to be.

Despite all things, at least from online research and content of him, I concluded I had chatted with a real life person and gain a little insight to a pilot life and gain self awareness of my anxiety trigger/pattern and how to manage it.

From the EQ cafe, I learn about trigger and pattern and I managed to recognise it this time.

I learn that I am judgemental and when I encounter people of good carrer, I see potential and am blinded. I get trigger and there I go down the Scorpio rabbit hole of  overthinking, expecting and fantasizing.

From the self awareness festival and the topic on rejection, I learn of perceptive and re-framing and I actually managed to practice this time.

I learn to manage my anxiety and diss my fantasy but reframing him as a friend even a "penpal". Not framing him as a potential partner, it actually ease my anxiety and helps me to lower my expectation.

Through this episode, I also learn to deal with rejection. Compared to the previous episode where I was string along for a month, 1 week ain't that back. To be honest, perhaps the deletion of the chat is actually good. There is no way for me to go back and reminse and something as the saying goes 长痛不如短痛。

I learn being rejected is tough. In the past, I will self blame myself and ask "ain't I good enough?" This is a self demeaning behaviour and it demeans my self esteem and self confident. I learn to reframe my thoughts and be a little kinder to myself. I learn to view the incident more mature and more perceptive. It is not a me problem but a us problem. We just don't fit. That's all it is.

If it meant to be, it's meant to be. Thanks Nic for this adventure and I wish u all the best. Alcina, you have done good. Pat pat. You can do it. This is a good date practice. As the saying goods, practice make perfect. Learn from it and do not change yourself.

I know you will ruminate and think of all the what if but get this thought sink deep in you, you are enough. Be yourself. 

Time to learn to be a better texter.