Another round of weird feelings. Here to catalog and off load these feelings

Since my last post, things have kind of develop a little and my feelings just got complicated once again. We hang out once every weekend due to tennis. My interest in tennis didn't really developed. As Bboy objective is to slim me down and he got interest in inline skate, we added this sport to our Exercise Weekend. I have to admit my interest for tennis is going downhill but my interest for inline skate was reignite and I got a little excitement spark when we started our inline skate sessions.

I know Bboy have been very supportive in "whipping" me into shape but I am very resistance and it is tough to motivate me. Hence my tendency to nua and be lazy. This ick him and in return he will pull out his commander stern face and "force" me to do it, which is something that ick me and then I will counter resist and act out, proving my stubbornness. I was never one who like to exercise and I like to use the excuse of being large to avoid doing it. Being fat since young, it is a lot tougher to exercise. Adding on, mummy is always afraid I will injure myself given my large size. This result in a vicious cycle. The root of cause - low self esteem and no confidence. This issue stems from childhood where I fulfill via self fulfilling prophecy and develop self-helplessness and always give up once I do not see improvement. My value of co-relating effort to performance doesn't help. This mean if I put in effort, I expect results and when there isn't any result, I get restless and unmotivated and gradually give up. 

Anyway back to topic, how do I put these feelings into words? I will say it been a while since I act out based on my feelings. A way to put it perhaps is we meet once a week for tennis & now skates and we gradually build a routine. By spending time together, we got use to each other and gradually have more commonality. To be honest, I am unsure how I feel about him. The spark/the 新鲜 feeling dies off but the comfortability remains. Ever since the last time I "tame" my feelings and hold myself in check and got logical, my categorizing him as a common friend remains. As such, I let my guard down and am very candid during my interaction with him.

By holding myself in check, I am conscious of my mind and keep myself in check and do not let my mind run wild by being very logical. This prevent me from fantasing and in turn build unrealistic expectation. I have to say this have been quite successful to date although there are occasion that I fall off the wagon and do indulge in a little fantasy putting him into the position of the male protagonist of my dream play. Thinking through, this may be my way of just giving in to my heart occasionally as there isn't any other opposite sex at the moment to play the male protagonist. 

Most of the time, I treat him similar to how I treat Bboy and my behavior in front of him is kind of my honest self. One of the my most unglam self is when I have my hair in a towel bun after shower. To start, I was never one to fantasy about idols or people who I know are unattainable. However, my recent dream feature him and even since I acknowledge my dreams are a creation from my unconscious wishes and as a result affecting my physical rest, I am determine to analyse/ get an understanding of what have transpired this change.

Physical Touch

Since young, I was educated with 男女授受不亲 i.e. gender difference - boy and girls should stay a distance and till date this value is constantly instill in me from time to time, mum will remind me by commenting on how I sit, how I should add as a lady, how a lady should be reserved and virginity is valuable etc etc. As such, when I interact with the opposite sex, I get very conscious about physical interaction. As I mature and encounter romantic relationship, my consciousness towards physical touch heighten and I will get anxious, excited and flustered. This actually stems from the uncertainty and expectations I have.

A few occurrences happened. 

1) We were skating and I was trying to explain to him the uneasy sore pain I have on my feet "the donut" spot and I pointed it out on his feet.

2) He showed me his moving knee ligament and asked me to touch that problematic ligament. He guided my hand to the ligament and I was surprised as he is quite reserve as he normally keep his distance. 

3) We were gaming and Bboy cut fruits to share. Bboy took over and no idea what transpire me but it just felt natural and I hand feed him the fruits. It was only after I fed it then it occur to me that it was weird and I tried to "cover" up by feeding Bboy too.

4) We were taking a break in Tealive and were chatting. Normally my brother sits beside WL but this time he seated with mummy. I suddenly got conscious sitting next to him as it was a bench seat but luckily the seat was long and there were lots of space. Anyway, we were talking and the word 木头 came up and he gently tap my head. I was surprised as it was an unusual move given that normally he is quite gentleman and keeps his distance too. It might be my wishful thinking on my end but nevertheless I got a little brash and was pulling at his hand when he say he can't tap my brother as Bboy was sitting diagonally opposite him. I tried "assisting" him to stretch his hand over and he really cannot (which was kind of funny). 

4) The next physical interaction was initiated by me during dinner at Sukiya. He sat beside me and we were facing the ice skating rink. We were kind of bickering and then I got a little frustrating/irritated at him as he was part teasing/part correcting me so I reactively box at his right bicep. My intention was playful with no intent of harm but perhaps I may have underestimate my force and he was rubbing his bicep after my "boxing". Oppss guess my 动手动脚 streak came up again and I was reprimanded by Mum on our way home.

These are just some of the physical interaction that i remember. I guess yesterday physical attraction got me into a spiral and build up my hopeful expectation and this is turn started my imagination. Last night I had dreams and in my dream, the part that transpire me to write this post was I make a move on him and we held hands. That was when I came into conscious and knew that once again I had let my wishful thinking run wild.

Anyway, if I am coping again, I will be back. Till then, cya then :)