Chapter 1  -  Knowing your needs

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come come at night - Margaret Mead

Exercise 1

1. Make a list of the needs you have when you entered into your current relationship or most recent relationship. Try to be as honest as you can with yourself.
2. How many of those needs have been met either in full or in part?
3. How many of them have not been met at all?
4. During the course of the relationship, have you recognised new needs and/or discard some of the original ones?
5. What do you think your partner's needs were/are? Do you think he/she feel those needs have been met?

Tips

• Make a conscious effort to recognise your needs and communicate them to your partner early on in the relationship.
• Be realistic in your expectations; no one can fulfill their partner's needs completely and continually.
• People's needs vary, so try to allow for the fact that you and your partner's needs will be different.
• Remember that discussion and compromise are the key when one partner feels their needs are not being met.

Main point
Needs are human and crucially important; if they remain unspoken and unmet they can become one of the most corrosive aspects of a relationship.

Chapter 2  -  A game of two halves

1 complete me. I just got lucky that, after i completed myself, i met someone who could tolerate me - Sandra Bullock

Exercise 2

1. Consider whether you genuinely believe everyone has a soul mate or 'other half' who can complete them as person.
2. Whether you have found your soul mate or not, ask yourself what expectation you have or would have of such a person.
3. If you are with someone you believed to be your soul mate when you met them, how far have they gone towards fulfilling those expectations?
4. Take some time and consider whether your expectations were realistic or based purely on getting your own needs met.

Tips

• Try to recognise when you are making assumption about a new partner based on qualities you would like them to have.
• Take time to get to know a prospective partner in as much depth as possible before committing to them.
• Ask searching questions if necessary. It may save you from heartache later on.
• Accept that you and you alone can bring about your happiness.

Main point
Keep in mind this quotation from Neale Donald Walsch: 'The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness'.

Chapter 3 -  All by myself

All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone. - Blaise Pascal

Exercise 3

1. Try to remember back to the earliest times you spent with your mother and/or other caregiver. If you have no 'direct' memories, your overall impression will suffice.
2. Do you think you developed a sense of security or insecurity through their attitude to you?
3. Has this sense been carried through into adulthood in terms of how you feel about yourself in this world?
4. Do you think these positive or negative feelings affect the way you are in relationships?

Tips

• Get in the habit of spending time alone, doing things on your own, and going to places on your own, whether you are in a relationship or not.
• Try to view being alone as an adventure, not an ordeal; as an opportunity to get to know yourself and be better equipped to know what you want in a partner.
• Keep a diary of what it felt like to 'go solo'. What was negative and positive about the experience.
• Discuss the experiences with your partner if you have one.

Main point
You will never be fully content in a relationship until you are happy being alone with yourself.

Chapter 4 -  Growing together, apart

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but looking outward together in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Exercise 4

1. Using a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), rate yourself in terms of jealousy in your current/previous relationship.
2. Using the same scale, how much do you fret and/or become anxious/suspicious when your partner is away from you?
3. Do you imagine them flirting, and/or being unfaithful if they are in an environment where there are people you regard as potential rivals?
4. Do you own fears and insecurities affect the relationship in terms of unfairly accusing your partner or trying to control them?

Tips

• Try to recognise when your jealousy is reaching an unmanageable/unreasonable level and talk about it honestly with your partner.
• Accept that there is a basic truth in the old saying 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'.
• Try to keep in mind that your partner chose to be with you and not the hundreds of other potential partners out there.

Main point
Trying to keep in mind that your partner chose to be with you and d not the hundreds of other potential partners out there.

Chapter 5 -  All chnage, please

We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. - W. Somerset Maugham

Exercise 5

1. Draw a large circle and divide it in half. In the top half of the circle, write down all types of change that you regard as positive; in the bottom half, list examples of negative changes.
2. Next, make a list of the changes that have taken place to you as a person over the past ten years.
3. Using a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of positivity, rate whether these changes have been for better or for worse,
4. Using the same scale, assess how these changes have affected your relationship(s).

Tips

• Accept that changes happens.
• Face the fear connected to the changes.
• See changes as a new horizon, not a dead end.
• Talk to your partner about any changes.
• Get used to change by making a habit of it!

Main point
Lack of change means stagnation, which can damage a relationship by default. Staying the same is not an option.

Chapter 6 -  Are you receiving me?

Two monologues do not make a dialogue. - Jeff Daly

Exercise 6a

1. The next time you have a conversation with your partner, a friend or a work colleague, try to notice how often your mind strays to your own agendas whilst they are speaking.
2. Once you become aware of your mind straying, try to push your own agenda(s) to the back of your mind and really focus on the other person's words and what they are trying to convey to you.
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself on how different your ability to listen becomes when you genuinely try to hear what they are saying, compared to when you are preoccupied with your own issues or busy formulating a response in your head (give yourself two scores i.e. 'before' and 'after').

Exercise 6a

1. Are there occasions when you make assumptions that your partner knows what you are thinking? Be as honest as possible about your answer,
2. Try to recall specific instances of those 'mind reading' expectations.
3. If you have not had those expectations, would it have resulted in a different and/or more positive outcome to that particular situation?
4. How would you have felt if you had voiced your feeling openly and honestly instead of putting the onus on your partner?

Tips

• Always try to put aside your own agenda and response when listening to what your partner is telling you. Your turn will come!
• Being honest about your feelings should be seen as a strength, not a weakness.
• As it says in the Bible, 'Do not let the Sun go down on your anger'. Talk about your negative feelings before they turn to resentment and potentially create an even bigger problem. 

Main point
Communication is a two-way process. Without proper listening, communication means nothing.

Chapter 7 -  The self-esteem factor

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind. - Dr Wayne Dyer

Exercise 7a

1. Imagine you have had a bad day for whatever reason(s) and your self-esteem has take a serious knock. Then try to picture yourself in a challenging situation with your partner.
2. Ask yourself how much your flagging self-esteem would affect the quality of your communication with your partner.
3. Do you think that under the circumstance you could be sympathetic/empathic and fair when listening to and evaluating what they have to say?
4. Try to recall specific occasions when you self-esteem was low, you did not listen to your partner and responded in an unfair or negative way.
5. Compare these to the times when you felt good about yourself and were able to listen and respond in a fairer and more positive way.

Tips

• Monitor your feelings and try to see if there is connection between moments when you feel low, or lacking in confidence, and when conflict happens with your partner.
• Remember your partner is not responsible for your self-esteem. Only you can change negative feelings about yourself and your life. If these persist, arrange to see a counselor or psychotherapist or go to your GP for help.
• Keep in mind this quotation from Eleanor Roosevelt: 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'.